Five Nights at Craig's Diner
by MarcieDio
Summary: All Tweek wanted was to be a little independent, to work somewhere outside of his family's coffee shop for once. So, taking the first job offered to him up in North Park, Tweek Tweak finds himself in Craig's Crusty Pie Diner, where not everything is as laid back and happy go lucky as the management would like to believe it is. One-shot until further notice. FNAF AU/Parody.


**_Night 1_**

"Tweek dear, did you remember to make yourself a midnight snack and cup of coffee?"

"Gya! Y-Yes, mom, for the thousandth time! I'm t-twenty now, you don't need to - ARGH! - tell me h-how to keep myself sane!"

"Well, alright dear. Have a nice time at your new job." Mrs. Tweak finally announced, stepping forward and giving her son, a man now, a kiss on the forehead in farewell. "And if it doesn't work out for then don't worry, you still always have a place at the coffee shop. Oh! And don't forget to make sure you-"

"Don't run out of - hiynn.. - gas! I know!" Tweek screeched, pushing passed his mother and heading towards his car, only to turn around and give her a kiss on the cheek before going towards the driver's seat once more. As he hopped into his vehicle, turning around to look in the glove compartment, passenger side and entire backseat for any unwanted persons, his mother waved a goodbye to him before watching him drive off, the blond haired quirk turning right to start his journey towards North Park.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Tweek Tweak was parked in front of a big building, one that sported a huge sign on the front promoting itself as "Craig's Crusty Diner - Home of North Park's BEST Pies". _Still such a stupid name._ Tweek thought to himself as he grabbed his coffee and sandwich, locking up his car before cautiously walking towards the front entrance and letting himself in with the key he had received after his last interview with the on-site manager.

The door swung open and he stepped inside, double checking his wristwatch with a twitch as he made sure that he hadn't gotten there late, knowing that his shift was supposed to start at midnight on the dot and no later. When applying for the job, his now-manager had warned him that being late, even by a minute and even doing it just once, could have very bad consequences to it. Tweek, who for the last two years now has been trying to keep a much calmer exterior even with his constant twitching, had told himself that the consequences would be getting fired and nothing more. It was his job to watch the androids on stage and keep an eye on the place until the morning shift arrived, after all, and him being even a minute late _could_ possibly allow someone besides himself to get in and ruin the place. For his own sanity, he had left it at that.

The inside of the building was dark, the corridor in front of him stretching out until it was nearly pitch black, unsettling him further as he stood still and listened for any noises inside the restaurant. Nothing. Not even creaking of the heavy roof or dripping of a faucet somewhere, everything was silent. And as much as that bothered him too, Tweek felt a little better in knowing that he was alone for now. No one had somehow snuck into the building before he got there to try and avoid security, which meant he was off to a fairly good start.

Tweek glanced around himself for a second before turning around and locking the door again behind him, thinking that that the next person to come in could just unlock it himself when he arrived before the blond moved on down the corridor a bit, turning into the only lit room in the building - his new work station. He took a seat at the desk, eyes flitting around the new space to double check everything, and set down his things as he wondered who he would be working with for the next week, or possibly the next year or so, if he did his job well enough and didn't freak out over every little thing like he usually did. His boss had told him that someone would be helping him learn the in's and out's of the place once he got there and his shift started, letting the innocent and twitchy blond just assume that whoever he was helping him would show up soon to teach him the basics and help him out.

When his phone started to ring, the blond letting it go to voicemail like he had been advised, he discovered that he was utterly wrong. For some reason, some God awful reason that he would never comprehend, the person who was supposed to be helping him was teaching things **from a fucking phone.** _Yeah, okay, no... Gyeee, why couldn't they have told me I'd be by myself the whole time!? I wasn't ready for this... Oh my god, oh my god. If I fuck up no one's here to help me! I'll get myself killed, I'll die alone, **I didn't sign up for this!**_

Well, really he had signed up for this, they had needed his signature on quite a few financial papers, as well as his contract, to make sure that everything was assured for him. And it was a _lot_ of papers too, like too big of a stack for him to count if he had wanted to take that amount of time out of his life. But had even really read the papers? No, he hadn't. Should he have? Probably. But was he thinking about liabilities at the time? Fuck no! He was only concerned about finally getting away from his parents coffee shop, finding a source of money for himself that wasn't also his family, even within a different way than getting an allowance, and finally being able to say that he was independent.

Even if he did still live there, he didn't want to completely live off of them forever. He was twenty years old, two years older than most people who have already moved out of their family's home in order to have a life completely their own. Sure, in South Park the economy sucked and jobs were scarce and the people were bullshit so you didn't really want to work/live with them anyways, but that was why he came all the way out to North Park - and had learned to fucking _drive_ so he could get himself to North Park. The economy and almost everything else here was so much better for some reason, he still wondered why their towns shared half a name.

As Tweek started to calm himself down, using techniques that his therapist had recommended herself, he listened as the voice began to speak, the annoying voice being frighteningly familiar to him, scaring him even if it was only heard over a phone.

"Hello? Hello, hello!? Alright, sounds like it working... Anyways, I'm leaving a fucking message for you, whoever you are." the voice on the other side of the device told him, the distinct voice of that asshole Eric Cartman ringing through his little office as he sat, still stunned, in his office chair. _Cartman? Eric Cartman worked here?_ "First things first, this place is a piece of shit okay? It fuckin' sucks, the androids are pieces of shit, and the nights are too damn long. I know that 'cause I worked here the week before you did, I get it but now it's your problem, so fuckin' deal with it." _Yup, that's definetly him..._ Tweek twitched in his seat as he glanced between the two doors on his sides, both of which were open and letting in the darkness, making this place feel all the more eerie to him.

"Alright so uh... Yeah, the fuckin' manager gave me some introductory bullshit to read to you, so let's get this over with. Ehh... 'Welcome to Craig's Crusty Diner. A place to sit down for drinks and party with friends while the kiddies can play in the ballpit and eat some pie. The Crusty Pie company is not responsible for damage to property or person. Upon discovering that damage or death has occurred-" _Wait, death?_ "a missing persons report will be filed within 90 days, or as soon as property and premises have been thoroughly cleaned and bleached, and the carpets have been replaced.'" _Excuse me!?_ "So yeah, this place is shit and they know it, but don't worry about the last part. This place is boring as all hell. I nearly fell asleep twice within the first night. Only thing you have to look out for are those dumbass androids. They walk around being all creepy and weird, but their, like, the stupidest things alive, I swear."

Tweek felt his blood run cold at the mention of the androids, his head twirling so fast to each of the doors to his room that it nearly hurt. He could feel his calm, not really but he's trying here, resolve and composure slipping away from him at the thought of those things wandering about while he was supposed to already be watching for robbers and other things. Underpants gnomes who came to this place thinking it was a house or something, werewolves coming in through the windows because they could smell the meat pies, vampires coming in for almost the same reason except that they could smell HIM INSIDE... The list was very long and it would take him almost his entire shift to complete, but he shook himself out of his stupor as the message continued, Cartman's whale-call of a yawn alerting him to the message still being on at all. _When the fuck is he actually going to help me!? I don't want to die!_

Almost like Cartman had heard his thoughts, the asshole on the other line continued with his actual job. "Uhm, what else was I gonna say... Oh yeah. Manager said the best way to avoid the creepy fuckers is to just close the doors on them if they get near the doorway. Like I said, they're really fucking dumb, so you'll have plenty of time to shut it. They just stand there like Slenderman until you, like, do something. I dunno exactly what they'll do to you if you don't shut the doors at all, buuut that's not my problem. If I find out then you'll know at some point. I'm supposed to leave you a fucking message every day, ya know for training. Anyways, uh... Yeah, you'll be fine. Don't die of boredom or anything, maybe once 6 AM comes by you can do some actually cool shit, I dunno. Check the cameras on your iPad to see if the fuckers moved yet or not, it should be in the drawer somewhere." Tweek nearly jumped onto his desk at the useful information, hands shuffling around each of the drawers until he got to the very last one and found what he was looking for, taking out the iPad and brushing crumbs off of it before quickly turning it on, seeing a screen full of tiny rooms appear before him. Each of the squares were so tiny that he couldn't make anything out on them though, forcing him to click one at a time and check the cameras.

His already pounding heart stopped as he clicked on the camera meant for the stage, seeing it almost empty except for the main android himself, Craig, standing there. _Oh my god.. Oh holy mother of God, shit! GYAAH! There's supposed to be three of them!_ Tweek screamed to himself, one hand tugging at his hair as the other one frantically began clicking screens, trying to find where the other two went. When he didn't find them within three clicks, the hand tugging out his blond locks instantly lunged forward for a drink of his coffee, now cold seeing as he'd been too preoccupied with Cartman's unhelpfulness and 'workplace wisdom' to drink it properly. He took a drink, the liquid making it even harder for him to let out his usual stress-sounds, before looking down at the screen again, his hands shaking before he finally found one of them. That's good, he found one, he was now a little bit safer in this hellhole! But, oh wait, the bunny boy was standing just at the end of the hallway.

" **AAAAHH!** " Tweek quickly lunged for his door now, closing it without even checking the light, before he actually did check the light meant for the one on his opposite side. Another android, this one wearing a shirt that said "Let's Eat" on it, stood in the window. " **WHY GOD, SHIT, I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!** " he panicked, slamming down the other door as well before he went back to his iPad, frantically clicking through the screens again until he saw that the bunny and chicken were farther away, Craig still firmly planted where he was supposed to be on stage. _At least one of them isn't going to kill me... maybe.. Nghh...!_

The short blond shook in place as he tried to even out his breathing again, sweat sticking to his forehead and uniform now as he kept himself from going into a panic attack. If he passed out now then he would have no way of keeping his eye on the place, and if he didn't then someone could get into the building and if they got into the building they could somehow find a way to open the doors and kill him or they could get stuck inside the place with those androids and THEY could kill THAT GUY and then he'd be fired and probably be held responsible as an accessory to murder for not stopping them or helping him and then he'd be in jail and- OH GOD, HE'S SO TINY AND HAS NO STRENGTH AND HE'S BLOND AND HE'LL BE JAILBAIT AND- **HHHGGHNNN!**

Tweek was once again snapped out of his ever-present panic as something that sounded like footsteps came closer and closer to the closed doors, them getting louder and heavier much more quickly than he was comfortable with. The two androids that had come close to him earlier hadn't even made a sound, so why was this one so damn loud!? The blond hastily looked through the cameras again, getting to the one just outside his door before he finally saw something horrifying. Instead of standing creepily and eerily still like the the other androids had done, this one, a much bigger one, was barreling towards him as top speed, already being out of the camera's line of sight.

He snapped his head to the left side of his office as the steps continued to get louder, Cartman's voice still ringing behind the sound of all his inner panic and outward attacker. "If you use the iPad or doors too much then you drain the building's power though sooo, like, don't be a little bitch about sitting in your chair and staring at doors for a while. If the power runs out then you'll have no way to close the doors, androids coming or not..." Tweek nearly felt like crying at the idea of the doors being uncloseable, being of absolutely no protection to him once the power went out, if it ever really did. All of a sudden, there was a loud banging on the door to his left, the whole wall seeming to shake from it as it was pounded on, the metal door practically bending under the weight of the blows being put onto it. Tweek wondered if the door would hold out and if the monster would ever leave long enough for him to make a run for it.

"That's it, I guess. Thanks for taking over this bitch of a job, new guy, hope you survive so I don't have to come back. Now, I'mma goin' home." Cartman finally finished up, another bellowing yawn escaping him before the phone call ended, the beep letting Tweek know he was completely on his lonesome now, without even a stupid **phone** for comfort. The bastard hadn't even been that much of a help to him, even if he had let him know to check cameras and close doors. If he had known that there even were cameras, he would have been doing that anyways, so again Cartman was almost useless. The banging continued in the background as he worried on what could happen.

His next concern was the door opening on it's own if the power went out, letting in the monster that was trying so desperately to get to him. He checked his iPad and shuddered at the sight of there only being 14% power left in the building's system. _I'm going to die. I'm already dead. I loved you mom, dad, coffee... Pip sometimes, too, though like a friend... Sorry I couldn't say goodbye._ he thought to himself, not even able to panic anymore as he resigned himself to his inevitable demise. Instead of crying or shouting or trying to look for a way out like he normally would, the abnormally quiet and twitchy blond found himself crawling under his desk, curling up there with his iPad in his lap as he waited for the pounding to stop. At 12%, it finally did, letting him know that the monster would give up.

That didn't help him much, seeing as 12% - no, 11% percent now - still gave him little to no chance of surviving until 6 AM, even if he did open the doors and turned off the device in his lap. No matter what he did, he convinced himself that it was over, sitting calmly where he was hidden, staring at the power meter that went down slowly. As the power got to about 5%, he mindlessly reached up onto the table again to grab his coffee once more, taking a nice, long drink of it like it would be his last meal on death row.

 _This is it... 4%.. 3%.. 2%... .._

Tweek felt his head bang against his desk as an unexpected chime rang out through the building, the sound startling him into dropping his iPad but clutching his coffee to his chest, eyes wide as he looked around and told himself that no, he didn't have a concussion and now wasn't the time to be worrying about having one either. He peaked out from under his desk to investigate, his entire body shaking as he wondered why the door were open but the lights were still on, bright as ever. To his knowledge, power didn't ever go 'half-out' like this seemed to be. Maybe the chime was telling him that he only had 1% left? That his time's up?

In a way, yes, but when he looked down at the face-up screen staring at him from the floor, he had never been happier. The power level had shot back up to 100% for some reason, letting him know that he wasn't out of power at all, and when he investigated the room around him a little more, he saw why. 6:01 AM. He had made it through his shift, someone else would be coming any minute to open up the diner and take over for him, take charge of this hellhole instead of him. _Holy shit, I made it... I survived!_

Not even a minute later, he could heard keys jingling in the front door, letting him know that just that very person had come here to his rescue. Without a second thought, he was running out of the room and passed the daytime security guard, a huge smile on his face as he hopped into his car and sped off, heading home without a single look back.

* * *

 ** _Hey, I hope you all liked my first ever South Park fanfiction!_**

 ** _I know, it's not the best in the world and Cartman is pretty out of character, but I personally blame that on Eric being tired, which is which I justified with him yawning and pausing a lot. It's not the best excuse, but hey, at least I'm pretty proud about the rest of it._**

 ** _Quick bit of extra information if you're interested: Clyde is Chica and Token is Bonnie. They're androids (instead of Animatronics) meant to mimic a common boy-band so they can attract different kinds of customers, though to keep them friendly looking to the children around here, they all have animal ears and tails according to who they are. Meaning Craig had a bear tail and ears, Token had bunny ears and a cottontail, and Clyde.. Well, he had a chicken tail and some feathers mixed in with his hair, that's the best I can do for him._**

 ** _Foxy is played by Big Gay Al, since I just thought it was fitting, but we don't/probably won't see much of him anyways._**

 ** _This is a one-shot for right now, ending with Tweek getting the fuck out of there, but once I finally catch up on updating my other main story, I'll probably continue this and turn it into a Creek story, but that's also only if I keep inspiration for it. The only reason I got to writing this one in the first place was so that I could get a writing mojo going, to try and help continue the other fic. Hope that it works._**

 ** _Favorite, follow and review, please! I love getting feedback so comment telling me what you think about it and tell me if I should continue it when I get the chance._**


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